Sugar Free - My Spiritual Journey

Some of you may know that I have been trying out a sugar free diet. This is my second attempt at sugar free in less then 6 months. In September I made my first attempt and lasted a whole month. I dropped 8 lbs and was feeling pretty good. Then the holidays came along and I fell off the wagon. It started with Octoberfest, a month long party extravaganza of family birthdays, and ending with Matthew's birthday mid January. Needless to say I gained back about 6 of those 8 lbs. I was feeling bloated, blocked, depressed, anxious and complicated. I knew why I was feeling this way and what to do about it. So, last Monday I jumped back on the sugar free wagon. Aside from a few glasses of wine, I have done pretty good. My detox symptoms have not been as severe as the first time around. Although I did have an emotional outburst yesterday that I directly blame on the sugar detox.
I know some of you may not understand fully why this is so important for me to do. And I often question that myself. I hope that by sharing this with all of you that you will support me on this journey, and that I will have a written reminder for myself. This is not about losing weight, although I do hope that will be a happy consequence. It is about managing depression, anxiety, and not medicating my emotional discomforts with cookies and chocolate.
I have never been successful on any diet. Most diets require one to limit sugar. But I would still have sugar in my tea and coffee, and whatever lowfat diet foods I thought would help me shed the pounds. But inevitably I would find myself at the bottom of a McDonalds caramel sunday, which I only seem to eat when I am dieting. Other then this pesky problem I am a fairly healthy eater. So I could never figure out why losing weight was so hard for me. I eat breakfast, I eat whole grains, I eat regularly thru the day, I eat salad and lean proteins...why why why does this not work for me?? Sugar.
When I eat just a little sugar, I want more sugar. I will graze all day long looking for sugar. A few M&M's here, a few homemade GF cookies there. A protein shake with just a little sugar for taste, a latte with a little vanilla syrup. Doesn't sound like much, but before I knew it I would find myself at the bottom of that McDonalds sunday or eating the last cookie in a batch. And if there are left over cupcakes from a birthday, well, just picture Cookie Monster!
I can't just eat a little treat here and there and expect that that will satisfy the Cookie Monster inside of me. He will just want more and more. Going sugar free is the only way to quiet the Cookie Monster.
In addition to not being successful at a diet I suffer mild depression on and off. I notice I am more depressive, anxious and frustrated after a few months of regular sugar consumption. This might be one of the reasons many people are depressed after Christmas?!
My sugar addiction started when I was a small child. I would take money from my Dad's coin drawer, go to the store and buy as much candy as I could with the coins I had scrounged up, and sit in the park and eat till I finished the last crumb. I even remember doing this when it was in the middle of winter in Edmonton. I would forage thru the cupboards looking for anything, once biting into a chunk of cooking chocolate only to discover it was not sweetened. I would drink out of syrup containers. I even broke into neighbours houses when I knew they were not home, and eat their cookies!
This behaviour is not normal childhood behaviour. It was what I did to quiet my anxiety. I am sure my parents just thought I was precocious and looking for ways to be naughty. But to my recollection, I just wanted that sweetness and would do anything to get it.

So my friends, if you see me eating a cookie then it is a sign that I am unravelling. This is not a temporary 'fad diet'. This is forever. And I can't tell you how hard that was to write! To forever not eat cake, cookies and chocolate is a frightening prospect right now. It fills me with anxiety. So I am taking it one moment at a time.

Here is an excerpt from a web site I have found truly profound and helpful. I have read Karly's e book and it was pretty much speaking directly to me.

5 Steps to Heal Your Sugar Addiction

August 24, 2009 By Karly Randolph Pitman 5 Comments

Sugar addiction held me in its grip for years, keeping me isolated from the world. When I stopped eating sugar, I gained better health. But, more importantly, I found self respect.

The pain of negative habits isn’t solely from the habits themselves. When I was addicted to sugar, I had extreme bouts of anger and irritability, vacillating blood sugar, yo-yoing weight, and chronic depression. But even more harmful then the physical effects were the spiritual effects:  the pain sugar bingeing caused my spirit. No one wants to be addicted. No one wants to feel out of control. No one wants to feel powerless.

What hurt the most weren’t the consequences of my sugar addiction:  neither weight gain nor the upset stomach nor the depression. What hurt the most was the cause of my sugar addiction:  my inability to care for myself with love, tenderness and respect.

When you act in ways that go against your beliefs, it hurts. If you think that you are a worthy, divine creature, it will hurt when you treat yourself in ways that belie that. Shame and sadness accompany any choice that goes against our values. And shame short circuits self love every time.

That is why it’s necessary to tackle destructive behaviors. Yes, we need to accept ourselves as we are, and that means accepting all of our behaviors, good and bad. But while we start at acceptance, we don’t stop there. It’s very difficult to love and accept ourselves when we’re wallowing in the shame and guilt from treating ourselves unkindly. We need to move to a space where we practice self love and self care, so we feel good from the inside, out.

Great. But how? Transforming these pesky habits can feel like a Catch-22:  bad habits feed our low self esteem and feelings of unworthiness; yet, until we change these habits, it’s very difficult to raise our self esteem or feel good about ourselves.

So where do you begin?

1. Acceptance. For me, I had to accept that I couldn’t eat sugar normally. I had to accept that when I eat sugar, I binge on it. This means that I don’t eat birthday cake, Christmas cookies, or ice cream. Accepting this fact about myself was the first step in creating change:  for me, abstaining from sugar isn’t deprivation, but evidence of self care and nurturing.

2. Forgiveness. Since the most destructive part of a bad habit is the guilt and shame that usually accompanies it, it’s important to separate the habit from the shame. This is brilliantly discussed inOvercoming Overeating, a guide to freeing yourself from food abuse. If you’re going to overeat, the first step to healing is to bring compassionate awareness to your habit. Accept that you are caring for yourself in a harmful way, and refuse to beat yourself up about it. This is also helpful as you work at healing your habit:  you will probably have times when you slip up and fall. That’s okay:  drop the guilt.

3. Compassion. Loving yourself means accepting all of who you are – including your bad habits. When you can look at your habits and see how they were an attempt to nurture yourself, you can forgive yourself. As you know better, you do better. Marshall Rosenberg’s work with nonviolent communication is an excellent tool for approaching yourself and others with compassion.

4. Self care. When I have cravings for sugar, I stop to ask myself, “What is really going on here?” Sugar cravings are cravings for comfort, care, rest, and relaxation. They are signals that I’m feeling deprived. The key is to find ways to soothe that deprivation without turning to food. Usually, what I’m really wanting is one of two things:  1. Connection: with God, my spirit, friends, or loved ones, or 2. Comfort:  sleep, a recharge (I’m known to push myself too hard), time to myself, or time outside. We call this filling the tank in our home. A walk, a nap, a break from my children, or a crafty activity usually does the trick.

5. Find help. It’s hard to admit that you don’t have it all together. But admitting your need for help softens your heart, so that others can reach in, and offer their support. Counselors, friends, support groups, books, prayer:  I’ve used it all.

Ultimately, I am not my habits. You are not your habits, either. Our frailties and stumbling blocks were given to us, on purpose, to feed our growth and development. There are no mistakes; that includes your greatest painful habit. Embrace it as an opportunity to befriend, love and care for the precious creature that is you.

For more support to heal your sugar addiction, you can order the new edition of Overcoming Sugar Addiction as well as the follow up workbook, Growing Human(kind)ness:  How to Befriend not Punish Your Way to Sugar Sobriety.

Want more help? Join my October Kick Your Sugar Habit small group class.

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A New Year, A New Resolution

I have recently been told that people do actually read my blog. I am flattered and humbled. It has been a very long time since I updated this blog. So long in fact that I almost lost access to it! Yikes!

I came across a little exercise that I thought was really ingenious. Rather then writing a list of resolutions and goals to try to aspire to, choose a word that represents the kind of change you would like to create in your life.
Unknowingly, I actually did this last year. My word was 'acceptance' and I think some great things came from that exercise. Last year we bought a condo and moved to a smaller space. We had to accept that we could not afford to buy a house in Vancouver, but would have to learn to live in a smaller space. What came was a smaller space in a great neighbourhood with great neighbours.
Matthew started kindergarten and finished his early intervention. I was afraid of letting go of our autism services and struggled against the change a bit. Once I accepted the change I realized Matthew and I were both capable of moving on with less support. We have come a long way!
I have noticed that my face is starting to droop, along with other parts of me, and my waist line continues to grow. I am learning to accept that aging is inevitable and freeing in a way. 40 is around the corner and approaching fast!
I am  also trying to accept that I have the power to change my waist line and maintain my own health with in my own hands. I proved this to myself in September when I decided to limit sugar in my diet. I started loosing weight, I noticed my skin looked better and I felt calm and clear. My sugar abstinence did not last thru the holidays and my waistline returned to its normal spare tire size. After the holidays I am feeling tired, depressed and bloated. I know sugar is a problem for me. Accepting that and learning to live with out it will be an on going challenge for me.
The word acceptance came to me at a difficult time when I was struggling with my fears about Matthew's health and future. I realised that I had not accepted that Matthew was different and would need on going special care through out his life. I was blaming myself for his problems and constantly trying to find a 'cure', so to speak. I realised the cure was in acceptance itself. I can not change the past and I can not know the future. I can only accept what is and work to improve what can be changed. When I changed my own mentality things started to fall into place.

Most importantly I learned to accept myself, and others, for who we are. Accepting my own limitations and flaws is allowing me to focus on my strengths and to rely on others to help me in areas where I am weak.

This year my word is going to be FOCUS. This will be a challenge. I am not known for my focus. I find my self wandering around my house aimlessly and standing in a room wondering how I got there and what my purpose was for being there. I find I am thinking about so many things at once that I get overwhelmed. I can never seem to empty a laundry basket or complete an activity. I sometimes find my self blogging when I should be making lunch for the kids!
I have started taking some computer courses and I could use some focus to get through them. I will need focus to apply the new information to some actual work. I will need focus to apply that work and start a small business.

The other word I picked for myself is FINISH. Finish putting the laundry away, finish that knitting project, finish this blog post!! It is pretty self explanatory. And I just have to have a third word...KINDNESS. I need to have kindness for myself if I lose focus and forget to finish!

Happy New Year!

Happy Thanksgiving Gluten Free feasting

Today is one of those days when I am trying to do too many things at one time. My mind is on so many different things that it is hard to focus on one blog topic. So, in light that it is coming up Thanksgiving, I will put my attention to all things pumpkin and turkey. Thinking turkey, cold turkey, cold turkey sugar free (a whole other blog post, I think). Thinking pumpkin, pumpkin pie, yummy yummy pumpkin pie. Hmmm, pumpkin pie and sugar free don't really go together.
In my search for a gluten free pumpkin pie recipe I came across a pumpkin pie pudding recipe that is actually very low in sugar, courtesy of Pattycake.ca. I plan to try this recipe out, with a few modifications, for dessert on Turkey Dinner Day. I can't wait to dive into it with a large dollop of unsweetened whipping cream!
http://pattycake.ca/recipes/pattyspumpkinpudding


Most of the time in my family I provide the stuffing, which I make with gluten free bread. It is very simple to do. Just use your favorite stuffing recipe and swap the regular bread with gluten free bread. A trick to a great GF stuffing is the use two or three different types of bread. I like to use store bought bread because they tend to be more dense then the home made variety, therefore it holds together the liquids better. I always use Kinnickinik Rice bread mixed with another variety. Even ends left over from my freezer. I have tried using pre mixed stuffing and I just don't like them. The shelf life is not so great on these products and you can often be left with a rancid oily taste to them. Yuck.
I also like to add nuts and dried fruit, like cranberries to my stuffing, to break up the flavours in the bread. Here is my general recipe modified over the years.

Turkey Stuffing
1/3 cup dried cranberries
1/3 cup macadamia nuts or pecan nuts
12 slices of GF bread, two varieties
1 large onion chopped finely
1 large egg
1/4 cup fresh sage
1 lemon (juice and rind)
Salt and pepper to taste
Apx 1/2 cup chicken stock

Chop the bread up in small cubes. In a blender or food processor mix the remaining ingredients. Add to the bread and mix well. Add more chicken stock if stuffing seems too dry. Stuff the turkey and cook.

If you like a finer texture process the bread cubes into crumbs before adding wet ingredients.


It is really important for people who are very sensitive to gluten to not eat poultry stuffed with regular bread stuffing, even if the stuffing never touches the plate. The juices from the bird flow through the stuffing and back into the bird contaminating the meat with gluten.

One of my tricks for helping Matthew survive a holiday with out contamination is to always offer to make the components of the meal that are usually glutenous. In the past he was such a picky eater that it really would not matter. However these days he is eating more and more variety. We just never know when he is going to want to try something. Having to say no is heartbreaking when everyone else is enjoying the food. I also try to bring alternates that are more attractive to him. For example, he could care less about pumpkin pie, but loves jello. So I bring jello and he just does not notice that he is not eating pumpkin pie.
In the past I have not worried about gravy because he really was resistant to trying it. But this year I might have to provide the provisions for GF gravy, just in case. I like to use Pamela's Pancake and Baking mix to thicken gravy just as you would use regular flour. It really makes the gravy taste fantastic and is a wonderful texture. It does have a tendency to be lumpy so I always just strain the gravy before serving it.

The I pad

Here is a very comprehensive article from SFWeekly, sent on to me from my dear sister, about the i pad and its uses for autism.
I have heard some criticism of toting the i pad as an autism tool. However, our personal experience with the devise has been a very positive one.
Recently Matthew and Paul went to Australia for a visit with the grandparents. The flight itself, and the layovers, are very long and can be arduous with any child, let alone an autistic child. Paul felt the i pad was a life saver. It kept Matthew happy and occupied through out the journey.
My own observation with the i pad has been an increased attention span, increased language specific to his life experience by viewing family photos, and increase in problem solving skills, all of which are important life skills. Perhaps an argument would be that he would acquire these skills naturally as his development progresses. And, although that may be true, I truly believe this technology is helping to speed that process along. In addition I have noticed that Matthew is very calm when using the ipad, making it a useful tool for curtailing his hyper activity.

All in all we are very happy we purchased it, especially since we get to play with it when the kids are in bed!

Here is the article.
http://www.sfweekly.com/2010-08-11/news/ihelp-for-autism/6/

The Safeway Chef

So, we had a few of our dear friends around for a bbq and a few bevies, and we were chatting, as you do. I was telling them all about this very annoying fellow at my local Safeway, who dispenses his culinary advice as he checks your grocery items through. He eyes you up as you approach the till and gives your grocery items a knowing look. He glances back at you with a smug look on his face and usually says something like " What do you plan to do with this? Because it won't go well with that, you know. I would try using blah, blah, blah..." Desperately I rack my brain for some retort that will end the judgement and assault on my obviously poor selection of goods. My wit is not always so quick, so I usually just hand over my Safeway card and try to avoid eye contact as to not encourage him further.
But it does not stop with edible items...oh, no! This man has an opinion on everything! I was purchasing Pull Ups from him the other day. He points to the display screen, looks at me snidely, and says " Look at that! That's the tax!" He is obviously looking for a comrade in arms against the new HST, and, as it turns out, I was horrified to see that I was paying a full dollar extra for those Pull Ups. And he would have had me in his camp, but he continued with " But you know they are not taxing adult diapers", he quips, inferring that its a travesty that we should pay tax on a children's item but not an adult item. I must have had an extra cup of tea that morning because I looked him dead in the eye and said " Parents have a choice to use clothe diapers and potty train their kids early.  Senior adults should not have to make that choice. It's a matter of dignity." That seemed to deflate him...if only temporarily.
It turns out that my bff has had the same experience with the same fellow! So we thought we would add a segment to this blog, just for entertainment purposes, called The Safeway Chef. I will not disclose this fellows name, or the location of his work, to protect his identity. We will call him Cliff, as in Cliff Claven. I will make a point of going through his till, rather then avoiding him And I will take my very strange selection of items to him for his perusal, and see what he comes up with. I am thinking zucchini, chocolate sauce and glycerine suppositories...

Change...a good thing!

Recently we purchased a small two bed apartment in the Main St. district and moved ourselves from a three bed with a yard in the Renfrew area. We were excited about our new home purchase and had high hopes for the new neighborhood. But I have to admit I was anxious about the smaller space.  We have moved so many times, and I was not looking forward to the upheaval. I was also nervous about how the kids would react to all the change.
I have read many other blogs and talked with other parents about their autistic children and their reaction to change. I think many parents are reluctant to change anything for fear of a relapse in behaviours, especially if the child has made significant gains.
However, there is a school of thought that change is a good thing for an autistic person. Keeping things the same all the time allows the child to become too attached to a specific routine and environment.

And as we all know, life is just not like that. Change is inevitable.
There are lots of things we can do to make an expected change easier on the autistic child. Many people use picture systems to help their child communicate. This is a great way to start. Making the pictures real is even better (ie; photos of the new house, photos of their favorite toys going into boxes, photos of moving trucks etc.). My child takes these things very literally. If I tell him things are going into a truck, he thinks they are going in a truck now! So I have to choose my words carefully. If we were travelling in the car and I saw a moving truck I would say 'Look at that big truck Matty! Soon we will put your bunk bed in a big truck like that and move it to the Green House!'. Matthew then talked about his bunk bed going in a truck to the Green House for weeks! I used his obsession with transportation, the safety of his bed, and his label for the new home, all to convey excitement in the change to come.

I am more of a 'fly by the seat of my pants' kind of gal, so all the prep and planning seems overwhelming to me. Because our move was a short distance, I took the children to the new house as often as I could leading up to the move. I took them to the local park to play and took them out for treats, like hot chocolate, in the new neighborhood, hoping to sell the big move as a great thing. These activities helped me also, to anticipate the move, organise my mind, and get excited and motivated.
We made sure the kids were well looked after by Grandma and Grandpa during the move. I think using some sort of respite or family care during a big move is really important. I think it can be very traumatic for children to actually watch strange men carry their things out to a truck and be driven away. It is too much to expect them to be quiet and stay in one place while all that is going on.

Before the children came home we made sure their room was put together and organised so they had a safe, familiar room to sleep in the new home. This makes a huge difference to them to have access to all their toys and belongings, beds made, clothes in the dresser. It helps them to feel safe.

Now that we are three weeks into living in our new home I am happy to say the move was totally worth it. We didn't come out of it totally unscathed. Matthew has resumed his sensory chewing behavior, after months of being chew free. Now he is back to chewing his sleeves, pens, wires and whatever else he can stick in his mouth. We had a few weeks of toilet regression, but he seems to be back on track now.

Over all Matthew, and Simon, learn that change is good, and fun! Lets hope the kindergarten transition goes just as smoothly...

Communication Devices - Help or hinder

Recently my lovely sister in law sent me this article in the Globe&Mail about how the Ipad and Itouch are being used as a less expensive alternative to costly communication devices. I have also heard some schools in Ontario are going to allow these devices in the class room to aid in school work.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/technology/personal-tech/apple/for-autistic-kids-idevices-are-life-changers/article1530164/

I have had my iphone for a year now. I have found it helpful in many situations. My personal experience with the iphone, in regards to children, has been a positive one. I find it can come to good use in situations where a child might be overwhelmed or bored, to prevent behaviour difficulties. For example, eating out at a restaurant, the doctor's office and getting a hair cut. I have loaded my phone up with kid friendly apps to be prepared for such moments. I have found it most helpful when shopping with Matthew. I give him the phone as an incentive for good behaviour. He then just quietly follows me around the store. However, it does have the opposite effect when I have both children with me and they both want the phone!
As a communication device, i.e.; being used to type or use a picture system to help the child communicate, I have limited experience. I have downloaded the icommunicate app. I think if I had this app two years ago it may have been useful. Now that Matthew has more language it is more a digital photo album for him. He does get enjoyment from going through the pictures and naming them off.
Only time will tell if it becomes a useful education tool.
As with any 'screen time', the iphone needs to be monitored and controlled by an adult. Time with the device should be limited, in my opinion.

I would love to start a conversation about this topic. I welcome your comments!