The Safeway Chef

So, we had a few of our dear friends around for a bbq and a few bevies, and we were chatting, as you do. I was telling them all about this very annoying fellow at my local Safeway, who dispenses his culinary advice as he checks your grocery items through. He eyes you up as you approach the till and gives your grocery items a knowing look. He glances back at you with a smug look on his face and usually says something like " What do you plan to do with this? Because it won't go well with that, you know. I would try using blah, blah, blah..." Desperately I rack my brain for some retort that will end the judgement and assault on my obviously poor selection of goods. My wit is not always so quick, so I usually just hand over my Safeway card and try to avoid eye contact as to not encourage him further.
But it does not stop with edible items...oh, no! This man has an opinion on everything! I was purchasing Pull Ups from him the other day. He points to the display screen, looks at me snidely, and says " Look at that! That's the tax!" He is obviously looking for a comrade in arms against the new HST, and, as it turns out, I was horrified to see that I was paying a full dollar extra for those Pull Ups. And he would have had me in his camp, but he continued with " But you know they are not taxing adult diapers", he quips, inferring that its a travesty that we should pay tax on a children's item but not an adult item. I must have had an extra cup of tea that morning because I looked him dead in the eye and said " Parents have a choice to use clothe diapers and potty train their kids early.  Senior adults should not have to make that choice. It's a matter of dignity." That seemed to deflate him...if only temporarily.
It turns out that my bff has had the same experience with the same fellow! So we thought we would add a segment to this blog, just for entertainment purposes, called The Safeway Chef. I will not disclose this fellows name, or the location of his work, to protect his identity. We will call him Cliff, as in Cliff Claven. I will make a point of going through his till, rather then avoiding him And I will take my very strange selection of items to him for his perusal, and see what he comes up with. I am thinking zucchini, chocolate sauce and glycerine suppositories...