Some of you may know that I have been trying out a sugar free diet. This is my second attempt at sugar free in less then 6 months. In September I made my first attempt and lasted a whole month. I dropped 8 lbs and was feeling pretty good. Then the holidays came along and I fell off the wagon. It started with Octoberfest, a month long party extravaganza of family birthdays, and ending with Matthew's birthday mid January. Needless to say I gained back about 6 of those 8 lbs. I was feeling bloated, blocked, depressed, anxious and complicated. I knew why I was feeling this way and what to do about it. So, last Monday I jumped back on the sugar free wagon. Aside from a few glasses of wine, I have done pretty good. My detox symptoms have not been as severe as the first time around. Although I did have an emotional outburst yesterday that I directly blame on the sugar detox.I know some of you may not understand fully why this is so important for me to do. And I often question that myself. I hope that by sharing this with all of you that you will support me on this journey, and that I will have a written reminder for myself. This is not about losing weight, although I do hope that will be a happy consequence. It is about managing depression, anxiety, and not medicating my emotional discomforts with cookies and chocolate.
I have never been successful on any diet. Most diets require one to limit sugar. But I would still have sugar in my tea and coffee, and whatever lowfat diet foods I thought would help me shed the pounds. But inevitably I would find myself at the bottom of a McDonalds caramel sunday, which I only seem to eat when I am dieting. Other then this pesky problem I am a fairly healthy eater. So I could never figure out why losing weight was so hard for me. I eat breakfast, I eat whole grains, I eat regularly thru the day, I eat salad and lean proteins...why why why does this not work for me?? Sugar.
When I eat just a little sugar, I want more sugar. I will graze all day long looking for sugar. A few M&M's here, a few homemade GF cookies there. A protein shake with just a little sugar for taste, a latte with a little vanilla syrup. Doesn't sound like much, but before I knew it I would find myself at the bottom of that McDonalds sunday or eating the last cookie in a batch. And if there are left over cupcakes from a birthday, well, just picture Cookie Monster!
I can't just eat a little treat here and there and expect that that will satisfy the Cookie Monster inside of me. He will just want more and more. Going sugar free is the only way to quiet the Cookie Monster.
In addition to not being successful at a diet I suffer mild depression on and off. I notice I am more depressive, anxious and frustrated after a few months of regular sugar consumption. This might be one of the reasons many people are depressed after Christmas?!
My sugar addiction started when I was a small child. I would take money from my Dad's coin drawer, go to the store and buy as much candy as I could with the coins I had scrounged up, and sit in the park and eat till I finished the last crumb. I even remember doing this when it was in the middle of winter in Edmonton. I would forage thru the cupboards looking for anything, once biting into a chunk of cooking chocolate only to discover it was not sweetened. I would drink out of syrup containers. I even broke into neighbours houses when I knew they were not home, and eat their cookies!
This behaviour is not normal childhood behaviour. It was what I did to quiet my anxiety. I am sure my parents just thought I was precocious and looking for ways to be naughty. But to my recollection, I just wanted that sweetness and would do anything to get it.
So my friends, if you see me eating a cookie then it is a sign that I am unravelling. This is not a temporary 'fad diet'. This is forever. And I can't tell you how hard that was to write! To forever not eat cake, cookies and chocolate is a frightening prospect right now. It fills me with anxiety. So I am taking it one moment at a time.
Here is an excerpt from a web site I have found truly profound and helpful. I have read Karly's e book and it was pretty much speaking directly to me.
5 Steps to Heal Your Sugar Addiction
August 24, 2009 By 5 Comments
Sugar addiction held me in its grip for years, keeping me isolated from the world. When I stopped eating sugar, I gained better health. But, more importantly, I found self respect.
The pain of negative habits isn’t solely from the habits themselves. When I was addicted to sugar, I had extreme bouts of anger and irritability, vacillating blood sugar, yo-yoing weight, and chronic depression. But even more harmful then the physical effects were the spiritual effects: the pain sugar bingeing caused my spirit. No one wants to be addicted. No one wants to feel out of control. No one wants to feel powerless.
What hurt the most weren’t the consequences of my sugar addiction: neither weight gain nor the upset stomach nor the depression. What hurt the most was the cause of my sugar addiction: my inability to care for myself with love, tenderness and respect.
When you act in ways that go against your beliefs, it hurts. If you think that you are a worthy, divine creature, it will hurt when you treat yourself in ways that belie that. Shame and sadness accompany any choice that goes against our values. And shame short circuits self love every time.
That is why it’s necessary to tackle destructive behaviors. Yes, we need to accept ourselves as we are, and that means accepting all of our behaviors, good and bad. But while we start at acceptance, we don’t stop there. It’s very difficult to love and accept ourselves when we’re wallowing in the shame and guilt from treating ourselves unkindly. We need to move to a space where we practice self love and self care, so we feel good from the inside, out.
Great. But how? Transforming these pesky habits can feel like a Catch-22: bad habits feed our low self esteem and feelings of unworthiness; yet, until we change these habits, it’s very difficult to raise our self esteem or feel good about ourselves.
1. Acceptance. For me, I had to accept that I couldn’t eat sugar normally. I had to accept that when I eat sugar, I binge on it. This means that I don’t eat birthday cake, Christmas cookies, or ice cream. Accepting this fact about myself was the first step in creating change: for me, abstaining from sugar isn’t deprivation, but evidence of self care and nurturing.
2. Forgiveness. Since the most destructive part of a bad habit is the guilt and shame that usually accompanies it, it’s important to separate the habit from the shame. This is brilliantly discussed inOvercoming Overeating, a guide to freeing yourself from food abuse. If you’re going to overeat, the first step to healing is to bring compassionate awareness to your habit. Accept that you are caring for yourself in a harmful way, and refuse to beat yourself up about it. This is also helpful as you work at healing your habit: you will probably have times when you slip up and fall. That’s okay: drop the guilt.
3. Compassion. Loving yourself means accepting all of who you are – including your bad habits. When you can look at your habits and see how they were an attempt to nurture yourself, you can forgive yourself. As you know better, you do better. Marshall Rosenberg’s work with nonviolent communication is an excellent tool for approaching yourself and others with compassion.
4. Self care. When I have cravings for sugar, I stop to ask myself, “What is really going on here?” Sugar cravings are cravings for comfort, care, rest, and relaxation. They are signals that I’m feeling deprived. The key is to find ways to soothe that deprivation without turning to food. Usually, what I’m really wanting is one of two things: 1. Connection: with God, my spirit, friends, or loved ones, or 2. Comfort: sleep, a recharge (I’m known to push myself too hard), time to myself, or time outside. We call this filling the tank in our home. A walk, a nap, a break from my children, or a crafty activity usually does the trick.
5. Find help. It’s hard to admit that you don’t have it all together. But admitting your need for help softens your heart, so that others can reach in, and offer their support. Counselors, friends, support groups, books, prayer: I’ve used it all.
Ultimately, I am not my habits. You are not your habits, either. Our frailties and stumbling blocks were given to us, on purpose, to feed our growth and development. There are no mistakes; that includes your greatest painful habit. Embrace it as an opportunity to befriend, love and care for the precious creature that is you.
For more support to heal your sugar addiction, you can order the new edition of Overcoming Sugar Addiction as well as the follow up workbook, Growing Human(kind)ness: How to Befriend not Punish Your Way to Sugar Sobriety.
Want more help? Join my October Kick Your Sugar Habit small group class.
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