therapy for therapy - part 2

At last we managed to get together with David Loyst for our second day of parenting workshop, after weeks of colds and ear infections had past. Day two was about how to play, interact and get the most out of combined intervention and parenting.

We came with a list of problems we have been having with Matthew, hoping and praying for solutions that would work. Transition times had become a nightmare, bed time, car time, getting dressed, you name it. If there was a time that Matthew could turn into a gong show, he would do it. He starts to giggle, which is the first indication that things are going south, then he starts doing naughty things to get attention. He will go through kitchen cupboards pulling food out, pull all the clothes out of a freshly folded basket of laundry, take toys off his brother, spitting, blowing snot out of his nose, and generally do the opposite of what you want. In the car he would crawl out of his car seat, throw things and pull and poke at Simon, causing screaming that would put Buddha to the test!
By this point I am really quite aware that any behaviour problems with children are actually problems with parents. The only people that need to make changes are the parents, then children will follow. I always felt I was a bit of an expert on the subject after watching numerous Supernanny episodes and reading Baby Whisperer books.  I even felt a little superior at times, taking pride in my 'take no prisoners', firm handed parenting approach. I always felt that we must give children boundaries, show them where the line is, and be swift to discipline when behaviour was undesirable. And for a while Matthew did respond to this approach. He really did like to be shown where the boundaries are. So much so that he will recite them to you while crossing them! But lately the naughty spot was just not cutting it. Something had to change or our heads were going to pop off in frustration.

Obviously, there are holes in my theories. Perhaps the television is not such a great place to get parenting advise. Or maybe it is?? I found myself watching an episode of 'The Dog Whisperer' one rainy Saturday afternoon, while folding my 5th basket of laundry for the day. We don't have a dog, but something was compelling me to watch while Cesaro waved his magic over seemingly uncontrollable animals. It amazed me at how quickly the animal responded to him and how simple his approach was. Be the alpha dog, stay in control, and be calm inside. Change your energy, change your dog. A light bulb went off in my head! This is what David has been talking about! Change your energy, change your child!!

After presenting our list of issues to David he began to lay out some new strategies for us that involved lots of 'face time', the 'divide and conquer' approach, and reinforcement.

'Face Time' is a technique used in the Loyst intervention approach. It involves making yourself the most fun and exciting thing in the room for the child, getting eye contact, using language to make requests, rewarding the child with ultra fun. For example, you might play a game of 'blast off', Matthew's personal favourite game that we created for him. Making sure the room is free of distractions first, then we will throw Matt in the air to land on the sofa singing out BLAST OFF! This usually gets him engaged and wanting more. Then, while making eye contact and engaging him, waiting for him to request verbally, and then rewarding him by throwing him again. The game is modified to include more language, and change the scenerio, as he adapts to the game.
I find this game particularly useful when I see the first signs that Matthew is attention seeking. I play with him for 5 to 10 min, in this fashion, then suddenly he gets an idea in his head and seeks out a box of leggo or a drawing board to hammer out the idea. And, miracle of miracles, he leaves me alone for over an hour! This really only works if I have caught the behaviours in the bud. If I allow the behaviours to escalate there is little that will change the course of the day.

The divide and conquer technique has been a life saver! We have started separating the boys for many routine activities. The best example of this is the bed time routine. Paul will take one child, and I take the other. We alternate children so they do not get attached to routine with one parent. While one child is getting ready for bed, the other child is having valuable one on one time with mommy or daddy. The boys don't have to compete with each other for attention. Both children have responded positively to this change, and it is really nice for Paul and I to have that special time with each child.
The other major thing we did was switch up the daycare days. Each child has a day at home alone with me, while the other child attends daycare. Having this day alone with each child has given me a chance to bond with them and attend to each of their specific needs. Today, for example, I am potty training Simon, a task I have been avoiding for some time for fear that it would derail Matthew's success with the toilet. If Matthew were to see Simon getting extra attention for toileting, or see Simon wetting his pants, he might think it is a good way to get my attention away from Simon to do the same. Having a day with Simon alone allows Simon the space to learn with out interference.

Most of Matthew's attention seeking behaviours can be defused quickly if we have the right energy, act swiftly, and provide reinforcement. Matthew has a preoccupation with buses, so I had some custom stickers made on line, zazzle.com, of various city buses. These special stickers are hugely motivating for him, and provide instant reinforcement. He gets stickers for good bed time behaviour, staying dry and clean all day, or self initiating toileting. Food is also an excellent reinforcer. For the car, I will offer fruit leathers for good behaviour, or he gets to play with the Iphone (another post to elaborate).

A workshop with David Loyst is worth the time and money. He really does listen to the nitty gritty details of your child's behaviour, and his solutions provide tangible results. Our family is much more peaceful and we are seeing positive progression in Matthew week to week.